Saturday, July 23, 2011

There’s a Job for You

Are you a school teacher? Real estate agent in a dead market? A sales clerk whose store went out of business? Laid-off warehouse worker?

Despite all the talk about cutting government spending, Uncle Sam is hiring. You’ll get good pay, and good benefits if you’re salaried, and I’m not talking about jobs where your primary duty is to dodge bullets. And this is all on the taxpayer’s dime!

I did a little research and found thousands of openings in places where you won’t be put in harm’s way—not just in the U.S., but in cushy locations around the world, like England and Germany. There were also openings in a couple of dicey places (Egypt, Bahrain), but you don’t have to go there unless you want to.

Your job will be (putting it a tad impolitely) to service the military.

An army travels on its stomach, and if it runs beyond it supply lines, it starves. It brings cooks and supply wagons, and lives off the surrounding countryside (translation:  despoils the peasants). The military also travels on its gonads. Prostitutes have always been required to service soldiers, from the time of Rahab the harlot to the Korean “comfort women.” And not just prostitutes—military wives often accompanied their men. Roman officers stationed in England were allowed to marry and reside with their families on base. Ordinary soldiers didn’t have this privilege. Now they do.

Of course, many of the openings I found require very special skills, like doctor, nurse, physical therapist, civil engineer, etc. But others don’t.

Can you write Happy Birthday on top of a cake? Are you handy with the whipped cream? The Defense Commissary Agency is looking for 35 Cake Decorators. There are openings in Germany, England, Italy, Portugal, Belgium, and Turkey. Pay is $14.31-$16.70/hour.

Military families need to shop. And the Defense Commissary Agency says its mission, among other things, is to “encourage an exciting shopping experience” and “deliver exceptional savings.” To that end they are hiring everyone from sales clerks ($21,840-$28,392) to warehouse workers ($15.75-$18.38/hour). Jobs are in all the above countries, plus Japan and Egypt. If you’re having trouble stretching your unemployment check to feed the kids, consider these opportunities.

Did you know that the military operates hotels for both active and retired personnel, as well as Dept of Defense employees? They enjoy very nice lodgings at bargain rates, again paid for by your tax dollar. There are 12 current openings for Hotel Desk Clerk, most in the U.S. but four of them in Germany and one in Korea, at $7.25-$14.14/hour.

The Child and Youth Services dept of the military says it “supports readiness by reducing lost duty time due to conflict between parental responsibilities and unit mission requirements.” So while Daddy is dodging bullets in Afghanistan, he can be sure Junior is still getting a decent education. If you’re a teacher and tired of being blamed for the failure of your underfunded school, consider applying for the curriculum development and teacher training position in Germany, at $34,498-$43,827, with full benefits. If you don’t have those credentials, there are teacher aide positions in the Netherlands, Germany, Japan, and Belgium, at $9.50-$16.84/hr.

Finally, the military always needs to acquire more land. Real estate agents who can’t make sales in these times can find salaried employment ($40,093-$165,391) in Japan, Germany, Italy, and Bahrain.

For all of the above, check out the listings at The only catch is that the government won’t pay travel expenses, unless you are a highly-skilled professional. This isn’t a big problem if you’re looking for work on a military base back home. If your unemployment has run out, and your relatives are tired of supporting you, ask them to stake you to a ticket overseas. Good luck, and remember where your tax dollars are going while Grandma’s Social Security and Medicare are being cut. It’s all in a good cause, isn’t it?

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